the reason

so, i set this blog up a few weeks ago but things changed. well, things were briefly put on hold but i really should have been documenting things as they occurred. now i know where we stand so i am back and ready to share our journey as it unfolds.

what does this all mean? well i started this blog as an outlet for myself as my life shifts. this is where i am, and why.

my mom retired, finally, in february. she is a widow and was looking forward to spending time in the nw with her 3 apos (grandchildren). she came up for a visit which lasted several weeks, then she headed back to LA for a scheduled colonoscopy. it showed that she had a mass, it was tested and ruled as precancerous. the plan was to remove it. i was really nervous about the surgery and began to do research.

i'm not sure if it is standard procedure but her doctor then ordered a CAT scan. that showed a lesion on one of her lungs. they told her that she had cancer. even though the bloodwork did not indicate cancer, because of the mass in the colon and the lesion in her lung, that was what was concluded. she had another procedure done and then was told, yes we did find colon cancer afterall.

she was then sent for a PET scan. we were hoping to learn that the colon and lung issues were unrelated because i knew that if they were related, it was automatically stage 4 cancer. my mom was back here in town to attend my daughter's ballet recital when she received the call. they are related, it is colon cancer spread to the lungs.

my mom went home and had an appointment with her oncologist. they confirmed the stage 4 diagnosis. one day later she received a call saying, let's biopsy the lungs, something isn't adding up. my mom would appear to anyone to be extremely healthy. she eats well and exercises and takes good care of herself.

HOPE! i was so happy to get this call from her where the doctors said the diagnosis might be wrong. i cried in joy, i thought a miracle had occurred and that my mom would simply have the colon mass removed and receive chemo for the lung cancer and beat it. she had the biopsy 2 weeks ago and yesterday her doctor called me directly.

at first she spoke to me about a research study that they wanted my mom to participate in but my mom wanted my input so the doctor was discussing it with me. i was not prepared to receive the results when she shared them. she told me the cancers are related, the cancer had spread from her colon to her lungs. they can not cure her. the prognosis is that the chances of her being alive in 5 years is 5.7%

hearing this news and even now thinking of it, it's like being punched in the stomach. it is such a deep pain and sadness. i know countless people hear this news - about themselves, about loved ones, about friends and co-workers. i almost feel selfish that i am so sad. i mean, my mom is the one that has just been told that she is dying.

i lost my dad to cancer in september of 2007. i was very newly pregnant with my daughter, my 2nd child. today, we have 3 children. our oldest will be 9 next week, our daughter is 3 years 3 months old and our baby is 1 1/2. i think of the ages they will be if my mom happens to be in that 5% that survives 5 years. i think of how my 2 youngest children may never have memories of their lola as a healthy woman.

back to where i'm at. so, back when we got the diagnosis the first time, before the HOPE and then disappointment again, i couldn't control the crying. my eyes were swollen, i would cry while driving or while in the shower or while cooking. i would tell my 3 year old that i hurt my toe. she would comfort me in the sweet way that only a 3 year old can. she would tell me that lola would come visit and then i could hug my mommy - which made me cry more.

i started thinking how i would need an outlet, how i couldn't be this broken down woman in front of my children. i know there are more tears to come. i thought, maybe i can go for walks early in the morning or later in the evenings and let myself cry then if i need to. i could walk, i could cry, i could exhale. and here i am.